Every now and then I feel as if my body is breaking down on me. I seem to be experiencing new and terrifying symptoms every two weeks of late. With these new symptoms, I am faced with a choice of whether I seek medical attention for them or choose to ignore them. Because of my biology degree, I have just enough information to be dangerous to myself. This is only exacerbated by the fact that I am exceedingly stubborn. So the latest symptom that would send any normal intelligent person to their doctor is the fact that I had brown urine. This could be from any number of scary terrifying reasons, but because of the bloodwork I had about two weeks ago and my biology background, I feel like I can ignore it for the time being. I am prone to thinking that it’s either extreme dehydration, or is a result of increased CK levels (which I have had in the past). This intermittent symptom, coupled with the fact that I am having trouble waking up to my alarm these days, makes me feel betrayed. Like I said earlier, I feel as if my body is breaking down on me. I feel like it is being stealthy about it too…. little pieces that tear apart and disappear. Almost like they were never there. I say it’s sneaky, because the medical tests will hint at it, show evidence of it, and then be perfectly normal again. Anemic one day, fine the next. Muscle death yesterday, just dandy today. Ketones and protein in urine last week, only to disappear the next week. I find this incredibly annoying. If my body is going to treat me like crap and if I am going to suffer the symptoms of it, I’d like to get to the root cause. I want treatment! And I can only get that, if we stop this irritating game of “hide-and-seek”.
But like I said earlier: Perspective is everything. I have seen people whose bodies are TRULY breaking down. They make what I suffer with look like a walk in the park. Sometimes I view this with: “Hey! My pain is pain and I deserve to get upset about it!” And I do. I do have that right to be upset, because what I’m dealing with does suck and it’s not something that can or should be compared. But sometimes I view the fact that others suffer worse symptoms with: “I REALLY appreciate what I have, even if it is hard for me at times.” And again, I do. I am so grateful for the health I do have. For the support I have. For the medical insurance I have. For the family I have. With any given day, my perspective may change. One day I may cry and rage at the unfairness and the next day I may thank God for the gifts I have been given. I believe that this change in perspective is just something that tags along with chronic illnesses. I’m almost positive that every patient out there probably can empathize with what I’ve written here.