I’m a little overwhelmed.
For nearly a year now I’ve pretty much had a break from the “patient world”. I went to doctor appointments but they were rare and only once every couple of months. Each appointment was an “ending” since I was moving. It was nice to be able to go to a doctor with the attitude that I wouldn’t see that doctor again. I almost felt like a normal healthy person who doesn’t have 5-10 different specialists and weird tests scheduled that most people haven’t heard of.
I felt healthy and normal.
So now that I’ve moved and entered into a huge medical hospital community for my health insurance and now that I have a diagnosis to give to the doctors everything has become so much more real. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to join my two worlds into one. How do you bring the “weak vulnerable patient” world to the “confident hard-working PhD student” world? I don’t know..
Today, for example, I was studying and working on my research and I was freezing. So I took my temperature and it read 96:
Ok. So I have a reason to feel like I’m freezing. But it’s distracting and I need to take care of it and that’s going to interfere with my work. But whatever. It is what it is. I took a bath to warm up and that worked but way overshot the mark and my temperature went up to 99.4.
I felt like crap. The sudden change made me feel horrible but I ignored it and went on studying, trying to make up the time I lost with the bath.
But this is the thing that worries me the most: Am I actually really weak? I’m I just using this illness and how poorly I feel as an excuse? Does everyone feel this way and really they’re just so much stronger and better at getting through it and hiding it than I am?
So maybe that’s why I don’t want to combine my two worlds. I’m afraid of being looked at as weak. I’m afraid that people will automatically lower their expectations of me. Most of all, I’m afraid that I really am weak and that if anyone stepped in my shoes they would achieve so much more than I have and could, but with a lot less tears and pain and insecurity.
I think soon though, I won’t have a choice. I’ve entered back into the “patient” world. In less than two weeks I have three MRAs, one echocardiogram, and a cardiology appointment scheduled. After that I have a neurology and GI appointment. I am also supposed to schedule a glucose tolerance test at some point too. It’s a lot and a bit overwhelming with the work that I already have from my “PhD student” world.
At this point, I just really don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I’m taking it one day at a time and praying that everything works out.
I just really really want to be strong enough for everything.