Lately I have been dealing with a lot of stress and health issues. My symptoms have gotten worse, but it’s the type of worse that is more uncomfortable and miserable than life-threatening or scary. But the uncomfortable really sucks and the miserable is really… well.. miserable.
But I am living my life, or rather, struggling through my life and trying not to fall from the weight of everything. It’s hard. I think at times it might even be unbearable.
But what choice do I have?
None.
Every now and then, I get a glimpse of the big picture and I think of all the things that I have forgotten about myself in order to pretend that my life is a little more normal than it really is. It’s a coping mechanism. Or denial. I’m not sure which.
So what have I forgotten?
I forget that fainting is not normal. It is not a common daily occurrence for most people. That saying “When you fall down, you have to pick yourself back up” probably didn’t mean it literally.
I have also forgotten about my spina bifida occulta.
Spina bifida occulta of my S1
Is it strange to forget about something like this? I have pain from it on an almost daily basis, but the pain is so normal for me that I just ignore it, deal with it, and go on with my life.
What other choice do I have?
None.
I forget that the amount of exhaustion I have is not normal. Apparently others have the energy to come home after a hard day at work and are able to make supper. Sometimes when I think about that, I am genuinely amazed. I have gone to bed before without supper because I am just too exhausted to cook anything.
I forget that aneurysms are nightmares to everyone else when they are just a normal reality to me.
But, again, I ask: What choice do I have?
None.
Forgetting is not necessarily a bad thing. Because when I remember… when I think about everything I deal with.. when I look at the big picture…
I feel as if I will drown.
